98
percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you are one
of the two percent who haven't, copy and paste this into your profile!
If
you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit
some Trix, copy this into your profile!
If
you like copying and pasting things to your profile, copy and paste this to
your profile!
I'm
not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it! made by
lightningbent101 but relates to moi
92
percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was
uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that
would be laughing your head off.
If
you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your
profile.
Nerds
are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you are a
nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If
you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If
there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this
into your profile.
If
you think we should go bother Snape, copy this to your profile
If
you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of
you because of its affects, copy and paste this into your profile.
If
your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
If
you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this on
your profile.
If
you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this
onto your profile.
If
you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste
this into your profile.
If
you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your
profile.
If
you're tired of reading the words"Copy and paste this into your
Profile" copy and paste this into your profile
R.A.P = Retards Attempting Poetry
Why is rap called rap? Becasue the'c' fell off at the printer.
"I like the idea of karma,
you can go around and do bad things to people all day assuming they deserve
it."
"Sex is evil, evil is sin,
sin is forgiven, so stick it right in!"
"Sex is temptation caused by
sensation, when a guy puts his location into a girl's destination, to increase
population for the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you
need a demonstration?"
"I
don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.""Why were you
lurking under our window?"
"Yes -- yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows,
boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥
≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈♥≈
♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥♦♥
"Sometimes I wonder 'why is the
Frisbee getting bigger?' then I get hit in the face."
"Three wise women would have
stopped to ask for directions, got to the stable on time, helped deliver the
baby, cleaned the stable, cook supper, and there would have been peace on
earth..."
"The dinosaurs’ extinction wasn't
an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."
"I was gifted but the psychiatrist
took away my super powers."
"Insanity is my only means of
relaxation."
Palm reader: "-gasp- You're going
to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."
"In a world of nonsense, everything
something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it
would be, was."
"You have one advantage over. You
can kiss my ass, and I can't."
"Excuse me. Have you seen my
sanity? I think I've lost it..."
"I used to care, but I take a pill
for that now..."
"I can resist anything but
temptation."
"All those who have telekinesis,
raise my hand."
"The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If at first you don't succeed, sky
diving isn't for you."
"Doctors say I have multiple
personality disorder. We disagree with that."
"Have you ever wondered if this
world is another world's hell?"
My favorite questions...
What is the speed of dark?
Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
If olive oil comes from olives, where
does baby oil come from?
Have you ever noticed that if you
rearrange the letters in mother in law, you get the words, 'Woman Hitler?'
If heat rises, shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is it when we're talking to God,
we're praying, but whenever God talks to us, we're crazy?
If a cow laughs hard enough, does milk
come out of its nose?
If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car
with your sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at cars. See if they slow down.
2. Everytime someone asks you to do
something, ask if they want fries with that.
3. Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice.
4. Put a trashcan on your desk and label
it 'IN.'
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for
three weeks, and when everyone is over his/her caffeine addiction, switch to
espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences
with,"...in accordance with the prophecy."
7. Don't use punctuation.
8. As often as possible, skip instead of
walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are, and
then laugh hysterically when they answer.
10.
Specify your drive-thru order as 'to go.'
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why
the poems don't rhyme.
13. Put misquito netting around your
work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your
friend you can't come to their party because you don't feel like it.
15. When the money comes out of the ATM,
scream," I WON! I WON! I WON! Third time this week!"
16. When leaving the zoo, start running
towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're
loose!"
Funny Things:
Isn't having a smoking section in a
restaurant like having a peeing section in the pool?
I live in my
own little world, but it's okay. They know me there.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure
makes misery easier to live with.
After all is said and done, more is said
than done.
I am nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore,
I am perfect.
Everyday, I
beat my previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How long a minute is depends on which
side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you buy the cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.
When
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in
the dark.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.
If your drunk driving, and you hear
sirens, you know it's time to pull over. One of two things go through your
head. You either think, "I can get through this," or, "Dang, I'm
going to jail."If you think your going to jail, may as well have a little
fun. If you have tinted windows, pull over real slow and unbuckle. Jump into
the passenger seat, and re-buckle your seat belt, so it looks like you weren't
driving. Wait until the cop comes over and shines a flashlight into the car,
confused. Tell him, "He was here a minute ago! I swear I don't know where
he went! He just disappeared!"
92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie
and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. 4 percent would be in hosipital
trying not to breathe. 2 percent would be unsure whether to breathe or not. One
percent would be crying over those who died. Be part of the other 1 percent
laughing your butt off.
I'm the kind of person who will burst our laughing
in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened...yesterday.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill
people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I
don't think you'd kill too many people.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself.
It"s when you argue with yourself and LOSE when its weird.
93 of American teens would have a severe emotional
breakdown if someone called them a freak. Be a part of the 7 who would ask the
person, "What was your first clue?"
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the
most.
People who say anything is possible haven't tried
to slam a revolving door.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well
aimed.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching
us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser
in aluminum foil.
Why are duct tape and me the same? both have a
light and a dark side and hold the universe together.
Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute
of it.
Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only
reasonable alternative.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes
out." ?-----Pervert/Farmer?
Who was the first person to say, "See that
chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its
butt."?
Isn't Disneyland just a people trap operated by a
mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him
swear on the Bible?'
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love
Mickey Mouse?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up
of the words 'poli' meaning many, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.
Imitation is the most annoying form of flattery.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously
overlooked something.
One way to figure out how things work: push all the
buttons!
Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a
cliff, I laugh even harder.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I
get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is
Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why
can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to
people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly
suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why,
because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two
seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when
somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face
with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect
you, geez!
I wrote your name in the sky, but
the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves splashed it
away. I wrote your name in my heart, i HAD A HEART ATTACK.
Friends will always be like
"well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him
saying "you will die in seven days"
Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be
together, tails we flip again.
Life isn't passing me by, it's
trying to run me over.
Having the love of your life say
you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you
can still keep it.
Education is important, school
however, is another matter.
I love deadlines. I like the
whooshing sound as they go by.
Amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic...
Whose cruel idea was it for the
words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Always forgive your enemies -
Nothing annoys them so much.
Join The Army, Visit exotic
places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
I used to be normal, until I met
the freaks that I call my friends
Boys are like slinkys, useless,
but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I agree with the dictionary.
Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think
intensely.
"When life gives you lemons,
make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did
it."
Come join the dark side. (We have
Draco Malfoy.)
"Always remember you're
unique, just like everyone else"
"A good friend bails you out
of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying 'Man, that was
fun!'"
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
When you fall: A friend helps you
up; a best friend keeps walking and says,"Walk much dumbass?"
When Life gives you lemons, squirt
them in Life's eyes.
My favorite word is sarcasm.
Guys should be like
Draco-rich,strong,and hot
Guys should be like
lattes-rich,strong,and hot
...does this mean Draco is like a
latte?
It's a matter of life after
death-now that he's dead, I have a life
Everyone has a wild side-me and
my friends just prefer to make them public
I've got ADD and magic markers.
Oh the fun I will have
Oops, I appear to have fallen on
your lips.
Why are the Force and ductape the
same?-Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.
When life gives you lemons, alter
their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
News from the file marked
"DUH"
Music is like candy-you throw
away the rappers.
I would be more scared if you
were aiming for the person next to me
Do not use an axe to kill a fly
on your friends' head.
I’m a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a Goth.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I’m A GOOD LIAR, so I MUST be an actor/actress
I’m a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone’s ass
I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant
I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian
I’m a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie
I’m INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs
I’m a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST love math
I'm BLACK, so I MUST be on welfare
I'm PUNK, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist
I'm IRISH, so I MUST be a alcoholic
I'm BLOND, so I MUST be a stupid ditz
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a slut
I'm a JEW, so I MUST be greedy
I have A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS so I MUST be dating them all
I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd
Stereotypes suck! Copy, paste
& add.
He Said:
I don't know why you wear a bra,
you have nothing to put in it.
She Said:
You wear pants don't you?
Frankly my dear, I don't give a
damn
I live in a world full of bunnies
and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are
acting all emo again
Behind every bitch there's a guy
that made her that way
I find "good morning" a
contradiction of terms
Did you just call me a bitch?
Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of
nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the
complement.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I
interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I called your boyfriend gay and
he hit me with his purse
P.S I never changed, I just got
tired of pretending I was happy.
Dear Heart, I met a boy today,
prepare to shatter.
If you don't like me, there is
nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you.
All the good ones are either gay,
married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Draco
Malfoy- Turning Straight Men Gay And Gay Women Straight
We're not stupid. We know that
we're called Gred and Forge."
Fred or George Weasley (Never can
tell them apart!), Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, Harry Potter
"Oh, it's you, is it? I
suppose you've been doing something dangerous again?"
Poppy Pomfrey to Harry, Harry Potter
"Wow, I wonder what it would
be like to have a difficult life?"
The Hero Himself, Harry Potter
"Bad news, Harry. I've just
been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She - er got a bit shirty
with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more
about winning the Cup than I do about youstaying alive. Just because I told her
I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch
first."
Oliver Wood, Harry Potter
Ron Weasley, Harry Potter
"One person can't feel all
of that at once."
"Just because you've got the
emotional range of a teaspoon dosen't mean we all have."
Ron Weasley, then Hermione
Granger, Harry
Potter
"And from now on, I don't
care whether my tea leaves spell die,
Ron, die I'm chucking them out in the bin where they belong."
Ron Weasley, Harry Potter
"Brilliant! It's Potions
last thing on Friday! Snape won't have the time to poison us all!"
Harry Potter, Harry Potter
"Yeah, Quirrell was a great
teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort
sticking
out of the back of his
head!"
Harry Potter, Harry Potter
"Don't play," said
Hermione at once.
"Say you're ill," said
Ron.
"Pretend to break your
leg," Hermione suggested.
"Really break your leg," said Ron.
Harry Potter
"I love you."
"I know."
Leia Organa and Han Solo, Star
Wars
A college physics professor was explaining a
particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student
interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the
lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save
lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word.
Finally the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people
out of medical school."
If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support
|
Patron:
Waiter! |
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my
bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
has your plane arrived yet
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some
time, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
====
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
Mother Teresa and God
Mother
Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be
thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began
to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell
and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and
pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna
and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell
enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She
couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I
led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and
in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand
it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just
two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
The Third Biggest Lie
Ann Landers challenged her readers to
come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in
the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help
you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in
stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
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